If WWI Had Been a Bar Fight
by FlameAlchemistLove
Summary: 'Germany Buy me a beer " This is how World War 1 would have gone down if it had been a bar fight. Violence, amusement, bad summary. Hetalia Axis Powers boys (WARNING: Italy isn't useless)


Germany threw back another beer and set his empty mug down on the counter. "Anuzzer one, barkeep."

As his mug was refilled, Italy began squirming in his seat. "Ve~ Germany~"

"Vat?"

"Germany~ Buy me a drink~," he sang. Austria smirked.

"Yes, Germany, buy the boy a drink," Austria taunted, rising to his feet with his own pint in his hand. Unfortunately, a brown-haired teen was backing up and the two countries bumped into each other. The beer splashed from Austria's cup down the front of his suit. He gasped in horror, whirling on the country who had bumped into him.

Serbia's eyes were huge as he looked at Austria. Russia trailed behind Serbia.

"You prat!" Austria bellowed. Italy turned to look at the dark-haired country. Germany paused with his mug halfway to his lips. "Look at this! My trousers are absolutely ruined. I am holding you responsible to buy me a new suit to replace it."

"Ja, you should," Germany murmured. "Dat's an expensive suit, Serbia."

"It's simply a little splash!" Britain protested. "Everyone just calm down."

Serbia's gaze hardened.

"I haven't the money to buy a whole suit," he growled, "but I will pay for the cleaning of your trousers if you like me to." Russia and Serbia shared a look before staring at Austria.

"Who are you looking at, clumsy-ass prat?" Austria snapped.

"Maybe you should leave my little brother alone," Russia suggested.

"Whose army will assist you in compelling me to do so?" Austria shot back.

While the two countries bickered, Germany turned around on his stool, to where Britain was standing and watching in interest. France, across the room, was staring at Germany.

"Britain," Germany said amiably, "do you realize that France is making cow eyes at me? And it's sufficiently out of order that you should intervene."

"Germany, France can look at whomever he wishes," Britain responded tartly. "besides, I'm looking at you too, and what are you going to do about it?"

Germany turned to Russia. "Stop looking at Austria, or I shall render you incapable of such actions."

"Germany," Britain and France asked together, "are you looking at Belgium?"

Germany stared at them for a moment. Turkey came over, tugged on Germany's sleeve, and pointed to an empty corner booth. The blue-eyed blonde followed the darker country to the empty corner.

They talked for a good few minutes before they stood and returned to the bickering.

Turkey made a show of not looking at anyone. Germany flexed his arms, looked at France, and suddenly punched Belgium with as much strength as he could muster. France and Britain ganged up on Germany and he disappeared under a flurry of flailing arms.

Losing his temper, Austria threw himself at Russia and punched him square in the nose. Managing to break free, Germany punched Britain and France with one hand and knocked Russia one with the other. Russia regained himself and swung at Germany, who just barely managed to duck. The force almost made Russia topple over.

Japan, sitting at a table with China, called, "Oh, Britain-kun, I'm with you on this one." Yet he didn't move. China smirked into his pint.

Italy leapt up with a loud cry and punched Austria as hard as he could. Everyone's eyes got wide and they all paused for a bit.

Australia punched Turkey with the strength God gave him, but Turkey retaliated with a punch just as hard. In the end, there were no hard feelings because Britain told Australia to do it. France, losing his quarrel with Germany, got picked up and flung through a window. After a few swears about imbeciles, black sheep, and how unfabulous he was at the moment, he stood and leapt back into the fighting.

Austria heaved Russia up and chucked him bodily through another window, which was just as surprising as when Italy punched someone without first screaming, "WHITE FLAG!". Russia crashed to the ground, got knocked out, suffered brain damage, and woke up with a complete personality change.

Italy tried to punch Austria but missed. Exhausted from his fighting, Austria collapsed anyway.

Italy pulled a white flag from inside his jacket and held it high over his head, running in circles and waving it and chanting, "I surrender, I surrender, I surrender…" You get the idea.

America, who was watching the entire time but chose not to do anything, waited until France and Britain had almost taken Germany down before leaping in. He grabbed a barstool and smashed it over Germany's head, who collapsed. By now, all of the countries fighting had broken all of the chairs and shattered the big mirror over the bar.

Britain, France, and America—the only three still standing—looked at each other.

"You know," Britain said after a minute, "it's really all Germany's fault. After all, he threw the first punch."

"Zat is true," France agreed. "Zen it's all Germany's fault, is it not?"

"I agree, totally," America concurred.

Of one accord, all three countries gathered around the still-unconscious Germany.

Quickly, they went through his pockets and managed to nab a few hundred dollars. With those few hundred dollars, they decided to buy drinks for all their friends.

And that's how it would go down if WWI had been a bar fight.


End file.
